Funnies!!!!!

[PinkJay]

NEVER SAY TO A COP


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[PinkJay]

Just seen Jezza on Top Gear - repeats of course.

The one where 'Hampster' compares the MR2, MX5 and the Fiat Barchetta.

Love the conclusion when Jezza announces: ' Out of the 3 cars, he'd rather have the TF' - don't ya just love it?

Then, he states: ' to own one, you either need a Beard or breasts' ;D

I know it's not technically a 'funny', but it made me laugh all the same

[Tony Williams]

jay said:

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Hmmm..... That sounds familier.Last time I got this email it sai id 90 MPH, I chaned it to 125 after getting nicked on the M1.

[PinkJay]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself...

"It's too small to be a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat and even a raft. After what seemed a long time there
emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the
scuba gear and removing the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and
said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years,"
replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes
one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket
and removes a flask and hands it to him He opened the flask and took a long
drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" Stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly
fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there,
too!"

[PinkJay]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM
WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO
STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.



A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of
course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float
on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to
invite a passing duck is going to take a little
more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice
while trying to run away after lighting the fuse

(and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide
on the following course of action: they light the 40
second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the
NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG... Let's talk
about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the
ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms
and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to
stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his
master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the
shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big
enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes
really confused and of course terrified, thinks these
two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to
find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end,
he yelps, drop the dynamite under the truck and takes
off after his master.


Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck
is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the
lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I
can't believe this just happened" looks on their
faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by
the policy. And he still had yet to make the first
of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is
okay... Good but:-


Why didn't they simply say it was stolen?? IDIOTS!
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

[PinkJay]

Subject: Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And, who was the woman you were with?

I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

I'll never tell.

Was it Sheilah O'Brien?

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.

Was it Kathleen Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona Grogan, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now.

Timmy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Three month's holiday and five good leads!.